The holidays aren’t holly jolly for everyone. It’s a good time to acknowledge your privilege (if it’s fitting), be grateful and give back however you can. However, you are under no obligation to be goddam jolly if you don’t feel like it.
1) Twinkle lights = the ultimate cheap decoration that makes everything feel magical. Bonus: when twinkle lights are the only thing illuminating your apartment it’s harder to notice the complete destruction and mess from never being home to clean all month!!
2) When parents send you home with tons of food (then, if you’re like me, you eat it all in one sitting because what is self control? portion sizes? none of this sounds familiar…)
3) Outfits include: festive pajamas, onesies, long johns, ski pants, red lipstick, stockings that are weirdly hard to get on without ripping a hole in them, those slutty Victoria’s Secret slippers your mom bought you, an actual Santa costume, a bandage dress that you can’t get on without some Crisco and Spanx and some thigh high boots BECAUSE I’M NOT SHAVING MY THIGHS IN DECEMBER, DO YOU HEAR ME?
4) Reading the cards people send your parents with annual family updates about their beloved spouse, children and pets — does anyone else read these in a passive aggressive voice in their head? Like “GODDAM BILL SPENT HIS WHOLE SUMMER ON THE GOLF COURSE HAHA HE SURE WAS TOO BUSY TO MAINTAIN OUR MARRIAGE BUT WOW YOU SHOULD SEE HIS FRONT NINE SCORES. HAHAHA OH AND BILLY IS A LITTLE ASSHOLE” Just me? Ok then.
5) Parties. For introverts, having to tons of parties and social functions is like being force fed a litre of tapioca pudding filled with razor blades. For extroverts, it’s basically the social olympics. People!!!!
6) Wrapping gifts. If you’re reading my blog, you probably have no clue how to use wrapping paper. I’m not saying this to be cute, it’s probably a fact. Just put it in a bag and stuff some tissue on top. Tah dah!
7) Wine: a gift that 90% of people will be happy with. If not wine, a best-selling novel or candle should do the trick. If none of those things appeal to the person, then they are probably a sociopath.
8) All the “special” Christmas food that we only get to eat once a year but don’t look forward to. Fruitcake, meat pie and jello — I’m looking at you.
9) It’s the one season where it’s appropriate to hibernate, avoid social plans and watch movies made for children.
10) Love and capitalism is in the air.
11) Christmas movies. Drink everytime you see a gender stereotype or lack of diversity in Christmas movies. Oh wait, I’m shitfaced. F*ck you Hallmark.
12) Dinners. That one family member that uses racial slurs, doesn’t believe in global warming and hates Justin Trudeau wants you to pass the stuffing. What a fun opportunity to create some wholesome family tension.
13) Online shopping around the holidays. Everyone in your building assumes the boxes are gifts. Nope – but they should be! Amazon is a black hole, and my VISA loves diving right the hell in.
14) People watching at the mall.
15) Wearing hats with cute pom poms, hipster beanies or full on balaclavas to scare your neighbours and cover up your unwashed hair.
16) Seeing your family A LOT (which can be a blessing or a curse).
17) Festive themed drinks: gingerbread whisky, candy cane hot chocolate, wine advent calendars and egg nog. Side note: did you know Winnipeg’s Exchange District is dedicating an entire week to HOLIDAY HOT BEVERAGES??? I am DEAD but also full of sugar so my heart is racing, know what I’m sayin’?
18) Buying decorations from the dollar store because if you can’t afford avocado toast or a house, so why the f*ck would you spend $30 on a bedazzled wreath?
19) Ugly Christmas sweaters that have dank memes on them. Just kidding, maybe it has a reindeer on it or something 🙂
20) Watching Michael Bublé emerge from the cave we keep him in the other 11 months of the year to scrape in royalties and make us all believe in the Christmas spirit again.
21) Office holiday parties. Don’t do anything you’ll regret, sport 😉
I hope you have a great December no matter what you’re celebrating or who you’re with. I’ll be ordering all my holiday cards from here and I suggest you do the same.
— RJH